sandy

So many times I see a new buddy appear, with the same ‘apple face’ and no weight tracker.  In fact, when I first came to buddyslim I was an apple, too.  Then after a while, the realization that there is no need to hide comes to most of us.  It is liberating to post your picture, even the ‘whole body shot’ that most of us thought we would never share.  Putting myself and my true weight out there for all to see, did it ever feel good.   I can quit wondering what people would think if they knew how fat I was, if they would still like me….  you know ‘in real life’ we’ve all felt the disdain that some people feel toward ‘fat people’.  It is so hurtful that it becomes something we try to avoid.  At least I did.  Avoid situations that put me in the spotlight, stand a little behind someone or something for the dreaded photo, didn’t eat in public unless I had to (and then I was very shy about eating too much, that was for later, alone)  and always wear baggy clothes, like they’d think it was a big shirt and I was really smaller …  ??    But it’s different here, no one judges or looks away.  No snickers.. just acceptance and a lot of support and even love and hugs and friendships.   So I encourage those who are hiding to come on out.  Post the pics, post the weight tracker.   It’s worth a try, what have you got to lose?  It made losing much easier for me.  I don’t know why.

That’s what my husband said when I was whining last night.  I don’t know what happened, I had been doing so well all week… then after reading someone’s blog about a binge (and giving her some darned good advice, if I do say so myself) I did it.  Started with deciding to have a little something after lunch.  I decided on a Fiber One bar, only two points, but then put a spoonful of peanut butter on it.  Yum!  thennn…. that peanut butter was so good, and it is reduced fat so I think I’ll just have a spoonful and I did.  Then I had some frozen watermelon, that’s healthy, right?  Then I just had to have some rice crackers and Laughing Cow cheese, that would have been good, but I was too full to appreciate it. and guilty.  So guilty that I ate more at dinner than I should have and ended up about ten points over my 20 allowed for the day.    So, yes I was whining about it.  What’s a gal to do?  But when he poo-pooed my binge, it did make me think about past binges.  REAL ones……  the ones that included chocolate chip cookies with butter spread on top…..   five candy bars and a whole bag of popcorn with real melted butter and everything else I could possibly get down without being sick.  Now that’s a binge.  I guess I wasn’t so bad yesterday.  But I wish I hadn’t done it. 

So much of the way we think about food has been programed into our brains by advertising. Twinkies-good. Sugary cereal-yummy, McD’s Fatty Fries-gotta super size, etc. How can we change it? My husband and I refer to foods as clean or dirty choices. Clean, of course being healthy, dirty representing ‘junk food’ or any unhealthy choice. It is surprisingly effective. Something about eating a ‘dirty twinkie’ just doesn’t sound all that appealing, when you could have a nice, clean apple or even a ‘lovely’ low fat yogurt with fruit instead of a ‘Dirty Queen’. Maybe it’s all in our minds……but isn’t that where the bad choices start? Clean up your mind! See what fun names you can come up with….. (I am particularly partial to ‘Fatty Fries’ and my sweetie’s favorite, ‘Poop Tarts’. lol

After reading mothergoose’s blog, I have decided to change the way I think of weight loss…. I always thought of it as a journey ‘down’. Weight goes down, size goes down, cut down on food, ‘chasing down a dream. ’ lol I like looking up for a change. Not so much about losing lbs, as gaining confidence and self respect. Reaching the peak, climbing all the way to the top where the view is spectacular. The view is myself in the mirror, at goal and on top of the world! What a trip! Thanks Rachel, for redirecting my focus from a negative to a positive.

A change of subject…. recently a buddy asked me if I thought diet or exercise played a more important role in my weight loss. I don’t think she’ll mind if I share my reply with all of you. So here it is:

I think you really have to eat healthy….and exercise. (portion control is a big part of it, even if you’re eating healthy foods you have to cut back calories and fat if you want to lose). If you don’t exercise you will start losing, but more like deflating. lol My husband said it was like I was his blowup doll with a leak. (he was being funny, but it made me realize that toning is essential) Especially at my age. Even then, it’s not going to work as well as if I was young. Do it now, so you don’t get to be a ’saggy senior’. I guess what I’m trying to say is…diet takes off pounds, exercise tones what’s left. Ya gotta do both. It really is a lifestyle change and you do get to the point of wondering ‘why did I wait so long?’ It was like I was fighting being healthier and happier. We really are our own worst enemies. Turn it around and be your own best friend. If I can do it, anyone can. Remember IMOBFF ? A few of us picked that as our new motto…I’m My Own Best Friend Forever!

Now, I’m not too sure what miss-spoke means… is it like lying by accident? or just making a mistake when speaking? If that’s the case, I should say I miss-wrote the last time I blogged. My son, my youngest son, the comedian of the family, informed me that he was 14 when he wrote that poem about ‘raising birds’. I think he’s right, as my youngest daughter wasn’t born until he was 10. You know you’re getting ‘up there’ when your kids remember better than you do. I mean, come on….. all you moms know that the most used words in a kids vocabulary are I forgot! For example, who hasn’t gone through this routine on a school morning? Did you brush your teeth? I forgot! Did you do your homework? I forgot! Did you make your bed? feed the dog? comb your hair? I forgot, I forgot, I forgot!!!! You know this was always said in the most annoying, high pitched, whinny voice….. one guaranteed to start the day out with guilty delight at seeing the last of the little darlings as they ran off to catch the school bus. Ahhhh, so nice to be the parent of adult children with little darlings of their own. Only now the shoe is on the other foot. “Mom, did you forget to take your medication, again?” lol

A few years ago my youngest son, John wrote this poem for me. I thought you might enjoy it. (actually it was about 40 years ago, lol)

Remember the days when the kids played together

Regardless of time, regardless of weather?

Now all they do is squabble and fight

From early in the morning, ’til late at night.

“I am the tallest” “I am most fair!”

” I am the softest, all covered in hair!”

Mom intervened, with loving discourse

“I love you all equally, totally, of course.”

But the brats wouldn’t buy it, they lived to compete

Whether breathing the loudest, or largest sized feet

Soon they were brawling, fighting you see,

To claim her attention “look at me, look at me!”

Mother got tired, and then she got mad

Then she told each of us, we had no dad!

“Virgin birth products, that’s what you are

Delivered by aliens from a far distant star.

Your ancestry is mixed and your genes are all torn

I wish oh how I wish you had never been born!!!”

Silence descended, the children were crushed

Then John spoke up, in a voice that was hushed

“Oh mother mine, my heart is quite broken

I am bruised and damaged by the words you have spoken.

My ribs are staved in and my tibula’s shattered.

You’ve robbed my world of all that has mattered.

I hate to brag, and I don’t like to boast,

But I’m willing to bet that you hate me the MOST!”

Then Joanie spoke up, her eyes lit with fire

“She hates me most, cause I slashed her tire!”

“No, it’s me” Bruce exclaimed, “I’m in the cellar,

I broke all her vases and never did tell her.”

Not to be beaten, Kelly chimed in,

“This is one contest I bound to win!

I’ve broken her china

And peed in her chairs

And tangled gum in her little neck hairs!”

Shaking her head, and with a wee little fart

Mommy dearest made as to depart.

“You’ve turned out quite spoiled, your antics absurd

Next time around, I’m gonna raise birds!”

I’m never quite sure what to say, so I don’t blog very often. I love reading other people’s blogs, but I’m never sure what to write on my own. Just a few minutes ago I read one that said if you don’t know what to say, just write down what you ate today…. etc. My first thought was, well who wants to read that? Then I thought maybe that’s not what it’s about. Could it be me I’m writing for? Does it matter if anyone else reads it? What about it, does anyone else have a problem blogging? It seems some buddies blog a lot, does it help them in staying on track or are they trying to help someone else? Sometimes I feel like it’s almost presumptuous to think I have something so important to pass on that it will motivate other buddies. Is is better to just use blogging as a food journal and a place to vent? I just don’t know. See, once I start typing I have no trouble going on and on, I just don’t know that it’s doing anyone any good. This blog, for instance, just seems to be a whole lot of words not really saying anything and I just keep running on like I’m really imparting some great wisdom to all of you. It isn’t really entertaining, like Sam’s blogs. Pure gold there! But I’m doing what I was told to do, blog even if I have nothing to say. Well, now I’ve hit rock bottom, I don’t have anything left to say about nothing. Now I’m really confusing myself. I think I’d better stop here before I get entirely confused and forget what it was I was not really blogging about anyway!

I’m never quite sure what to say, so I don’t blog very often. I love reading other people’s blogs, but I’m never sure what to write on my own. Just a few minutes ago I read one that said if you don’t know what to say, just write down what you ate today…. etc. My first thought was, well who wants to read that? Then I thought maybe that’s not what it’s about. Could it be me I’m writing for? Does it matter if anyone else reads it? What about it, does anyone else have a problem blogging? It seems some buddies blog a lot, does it help them in staying on track or are they trying to help someone else? Sometimes I feel like it’s almost presumptuous to think I have something so important to pass on that it will motivate other buddies. Is is better to just use blogging as a food journal and a place to vent? I just don’t know. See, once I start typing I have no trouble going on and on, I just don’t know that it’s doing anyone any good. This blog, for instance, just seems to be a whole lot of words not really saying anything and I just keep running on like I’m really imparting some great wisdom to all of you. It isn’t really entertaining, like Sam’s blogs. Pure gold there! But I’m doing what I was told to do, blog even if I have nothing to say. Well, now I’ve hit rock bottom, I don’t have anything left to say about nothing. Now I’m really confusing myself. I think I’d better stop here before I get entirely confused and forget what it was I was not really blogging about anyway!

Last week was almost a disaster. I keep hearing so many of you talking about ‘points’. I know it’s a WW thing, so it must be good! I try not to “go on a diet” as a rule, just healthy eating, portion control and increased activity. However, I do try to keep track of calories and fats as part of eating right. OK, so I’m thinking it must be way easier to count points. But I can’t really afford to join WW, so a friend (who I will not mention lest the powers at WW are angered) was kind enough to let me use her WW books. You know what they say about a little knowledge in the wrong hands……. well, now I’m equipped with the knowledge of just how many points are in over 16,500 foods! Only thing missing is knowing how many points I can have. Therein lies the problem. Another friend, also unnamed for the above mentioned reason, told me she thought I could have about 50 points as day. Something about a secret formula for figuring each individual point goal, yada yada, yada…… I latched right onto the “50 points a day”!!!!! Wow, I’ve been doing this the hard way. This is the way to go! Then, the friend who kindly sent me her books followed up with the secret formula. <<<THUD!>>> (that’s me, coming back to harsh reality) My magic number is : 20, that’s right, TWENTY. The moral of the story is, if you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t do it. OR, if you think it sounds too good to be true…. well, you know there had to be a little voice in my head screaming at me! I am so lucky I maintained this week. Of course there is ‘residual weight gain’ out there somewhere, maybe if I’m real careful this next week I can avoid it. Only time, and my scales, will tell.

I finally made my doctor sit up and take notice.   The last time I was at his office he asked me if I knew I was losing weight!  I don’t remember if I already told you this story….. bear with me if I did.  Anyway, I was floored that he could think I didn’t know, after all the sweat and tears involved in my loss over the last two years!  Well, yesterday I had my ‘minor surgery’ (it’s NEVER minor if it’s your body being cut into and sewed up!)  and when he took my BP prior to the event he said it’s too low.  Also mentioned my heart is beating way to slow.  (43 beats per min.)  He said I was over medicated.  (I take meds for mild hypertension)  He said I have lost so much weight that I need to take half of what I am now on.  He almost sounded like it was my fault that my heart was toooooo sloooooooow.    lol.  No wonder I’ve been so tired.  I’m curious to see how my energy level changes in the next few weeks.  By golly, I might start feeling younger!  WOO HOO!  I’ll let you know.