sandy

It happened while I was sitting here reading blogs. I was right here in ‘Buddyslim Land’ and absently told my husband, “bye, have fun Honey…drive safe.” All the things I normally say when he’s off to play golf with our son and a friend. And out of the blue the thought crept in…. I think I’ll have a little snack. Then I’m thinking, what can I have? Some of that good seed bread I got with some cream cheese on it….I’ll take it out of my flex points…. or maybe a ham sandwich made with that bread and some chips..? So help me God, I even briefly thought of John’s candy drawer!  And then I realized I’m thinking all of this while I’m reading blogs from buddies who are fighting this same battle, and I have the nerve to give them advice and support…what in the Hell am I thinking? I actually stopped myself on the way to a full blown binge. This is a first. I got a big glass of iced tea, my water bottle and a cup of frozen grapes. (Thanks April, you gave me that idea.) I’m enjoying them right now as I write this blog. Oh My God! Could this be a breakthrough? Do you suppose I’m cured? Well, I just had to share this. I know I haven’t blogged in a long time. In fact the last time was when I wrote my ‘naked shower’ blog and the fallout from that one sort of left a bad taste in my mouth…so to speak. lol Anyway, I hope I’m as successful next time the ’snack monster’ threatens to attack again. Right now I’m so full of water, tea and grapes, I know I’m safe til dinner.

Back in June I wrote a blog… I don’t know if you read it, but it was about the shameless hussies in my water aerobics class who parade around the locker room and showers without a suit or towel, and without a care.  I was jealous.    Anyway…. this post is a follow-up to that one.

Today was a ‘milepost’ on the road to realizing a dream. Yep, I took a shower without my suit. I was so pleased with myself, I actually walked back to my locker and then realized I left my towel hanging by the shower, had to go back and get it. (naked)   lol   I don’t know what got into me…  I just got up this morning, looked in the mirror at myself and thought, “you know, you don’t look bad for almost 69 years old with 4 kids and 7 grandkids.  In fact you look kind of cute, and Lord knows this body has given me a lot of good times.  Why should I hide it?”  And that was that.   And the strangest thing was, no one laughed, or even seemed to notice.   My husband has been telling me for years that I’m my biggest critic, but I figured he’s blinded by love.   Maybe not.  Maybe I’m not that bad.  ??  Does it matter?    It’s the body God gave me, and He’s not laughing.  (He might wish I’d taken better care of it, but I’m working on it!)

You know that old game…. but did you realize we play it here on buddyslim almost every day?  It’s true, but instead of sharing a peek at our …well you know, we play the grown up version.  We share a peek at our most private thoughts.  Our fears, doubts, hopes, lies and secret desires. And like the children we once were, we are reassured to find that everyone else has, more or less, the same ’stuff’ we do.  I can’t even begin to guess why we’re this way;  but just knowing that someone else binges, cheats, lies, dreams the same dreams and cries the same tears, is a tremendous comfort. When one of us reaches a goal we all share in the joy and when someone is in a low place and needs support, the response is amazing. I’m motivated every time I see a buddy make progress.  I believe that one of the best ways to lift yourself out of the ‘blahs’ is to  someone else a hand up.  Knowing all that, why do I blog so seldom?  I will spend literally hours reading buddy’s posts and comments, without posting or commenting.  I’m like an anonymous voyeur… spying quietly, thinking comments in my head, but not responding.  But once I start…….. look out!  Here I come, and I just can go on and on until I think you must all be sick of ‘listening’ to me.  I guess I’m the same way with a lot of things in my life.  Like housework.  It piles up until I can’t stand it, then I become obsessed with keeping everything just so.  (for a while, anyway)  Well, that’s about it, don’t know where this was supposed to go………  I don’t even know what it has to do with weight loss, but I hope it strikes a chord with someone.  Surely I’m not the only one that needs to know I’m not the only one with ’stuff’.    

So many times I see a new buddy appear, with the same ‘apple face’ and no weight tracker.  In fact, when I first came to buddyslim I was an apple, too.  Then after a while, the realization that there is no need to hide comes to most of us.  It is liberating to post your picture, even the ‘whole body shot’ that most of us thought we would never share.  Putting myself and my true weight out there for all to see, did it ever feel good.   I can quit wondering what people would think if they knew how fat I was, if they would still like me….  you know ‘in real life’ we’ve all felt the disdain that some people feel toward ‘fat people’.  It is so hurtful that it becomes something we try to avoid.  At least I did.  Avoid situations that put me in the spotlight, stand a little behind someone or something for the dreaded photo, didn’t eat in public unless I had to (and then I was very shy about eating too much, that was for later, alone)  and always wear baggy clothes, like they’d think it was a big shirt and I was really smaller …  ??    But it’s different here, no one judges or looks away.  No snickers.. just acceptance and a lot of support and even love and hugs and friendships.   So I encourage those who are hiding to come on out.  Post the pics, post the weight tracker.   It’s worth a try, what have you got to lose?  It made losing much easier for me.  I don’t know why.

That’s what my husband said when I was whining last night.  I don’t know what happened, I had been doing so well all week… then after reading someone’s blog about a binge (and giving her some darned good advice, if I do say so myself) I did it.  Started with deciding to have a little something after lunch.  I decided on a Fiber One bar, only two points, but then put a spoonful of peanut butter on it.  Yum!  thennn…. that peanut butter was so good, and it is reduced fat so I think I’ll just have a spoonful and I did.  Then I had some frozen watermelon, that’s healthy, right?  Then I just had to have some rice crackers and Laughing Cow cheese, that would have been good, but I was too full to appreciate it. and guilty.  So guilty that I ate more at dinner than I should have and ended up about ten points over my 20 allowed for the day.    So, yes I was whining about it.  What’s a gal to do?  But when he poo-pooed my binge, it did make me think about past binges.  REAL ones……  the ones that included chocolate chip cookies with butter spread on top…..   five candy bars and a whole bag of popcorn with real melted butter and everything else I could possibly get down without being sick.  Now that’s a binge.  I guess I wasn’t so bad yesterday.  But I wish I hadn’t done it. 

So much of the way we think about food has been programed into our brains by advertising. Twinkies-good. Sugary cereal-yummy, McD’s Fatty Fries-gotta super size, etc. How can we change it? My husband and I refer to foods as clean or dirty choices. Clean, of course being healthy, dirty representing ‘junk food’ or any unhealthy choice. It is surprisingly effective. Something about eating a ‘dirty twinkie’ just doesn’t sound all that appealing, when you could have a nice, clean apple or even a ‘lovely’ low fat yogurt with fruit instead of a ‘Dirty Queen’. Maybe it’s all in our minds……but isn’t that where the bad choices start? Clean up your mind! See what fun names you can come up with….. (I am particularly partial to ‘Fatty Fries’ and my sweetie’s favorite, ‘Poop Tarts’. lol

After reading mothergoose’s blog, I have decided to change the way I think of weight loss…. I always thought of it as a journey ‘down’. Weight goes down, size goes down, cut down on food, ‘chasing down a dream. ’ lol I like looking up for a change. Not so much about losing lbs, as gaining confidence and self respect. Reaching the peak, climbing all the way to the top where the view is spectacular. The view is myself in the mirror, at goal and on top of the world! What a trip! Thanks Rachel, for redirecting my focus from a negative to a positive.

A change of subject…. recently a buddy asked me if I thought diet or exercise played a more important role in my weight loss. I don’t think she’ll mind if I share my reply with all of you. So here it is:

I think you really have to eat healthy….and exercise. (portion control is a big part of it, even if you’re eating healthy foods you have to cut back calories and fat if you want to lose). If you don’t exercise you will start losing, but more like deflating. lol My husband said it was like I was his blowup doll with a leak. (he was being funny, but it made me realize that toning is essential) Especially at my age. Even then, it’s not going to work as well as if I was young. Do it now, so you don’t get to be a ’saggy senior’. I guess what I’m trying to say is…diet takes off pounds, exercise tones what’s left. Ya gotta do both. It really is a lifestyle change and you do get to the point of wondering ‘why did I wait so long?’ It was like I was fighting being healthier and happier. We really are our own worst enemies. Turn it around and be your own best friend. If I can do it, anyone can. Remember IMOBFF ? A few of us picked that as our new motto…I’m My Own Best Friend Forever!

Now, I’m not too sure what miss-spoke means… is it like lying by accident? or just making a mistake when speaking? If that’s the case, I should say I miss-wrote the last time I blogged. My son, my youngest son, the comedian of the family, informed me that he was 14 when he wrote that poem about ‘raising birds’. I think he’s right, as my youngest daughter wasn’t born until he was 10. You know you’re getting ‘up there’ when your kids remember better than you do. I mean, come on….. all you moms know that the most used words in a kids vocabulary are I forgot! For example, who hasn’t gone through this routine on a school morning? Did you brush your teeth? I forgot! Did you do your homework? I forgot! Did you make your bed? feed the dog? comb your hair? I forgot, I forgot, I forgot!!!! You know this was always said in the most annoying, high pitched, whinny voice….. one guaranteed to start the day out with guilty delight at seeing the last of the little darlings as they ran off to catch the school bus. Ahhhh, so nice to be the parent of adult children with little darlings of their own. Only now the shoe is on the other foot. “Mom, did you forget to take your medication, again?” lol

A few years ago my youngest son, John wrote this poem for me. I thought you might enjoy it. (actually it was about 40 years ago, lol)

Remember the days when the kids played together

Regardless of time, regardless of weather?

Now all they do is squabble and fight

From early in the morning, ’til late at night.

“I am the tallest” “I am most fair!”

” I am the softest, all covered in hair!”

Mom intervened, with loving discourse

“I love you all equally, totally, of course.”

But the brats wouldn’t buy it, they lived to compete

Whether breathing the loudest, or largest sized feet

Soon they were brawling, fighting you see,

To claim her attention “look at me, look at me!”

Mother got tired, and then she got mad

Then she told each of us, we had no dad!

“Virgin birth products, that’s what you are

Delivered by aliens from a far distant star.

Your ancestry is mixed and your genes are all torn

I wish oh how I wish you had never been born!!!”

Silence descended, the children were crushed

Then John spoke up, in a voice that was hushed

“Oh mother mine, my heart is quite broken

I am bruised and damaged by the words you have spoken.

My ribs are staved in and my tibula’s shattered.

You’ve robbed my world of all that has mattered.

I hate to brag, and I don’t like to boast,

But I’m willing to bet that you hate me the MOST!”

Then Joanie spoke up, her eyes lit with fire

“She hates me most, cause I slashed her tire!”

“No, it’s me” Bruce exclaimed, “I’m in the cellar,

I broke all her vases and never did tell her.”

Not to be beaten, Kelly chimed in,

“This is one contest I bound to win!

I’ve broken her china

And peed in her chairs

And tangled gum in her little neck hairs!”

Shaking her head, and with a wee little fart

Mommy dearest made as to depart.

“You’ve turned out quite spoiled, your antics absurd

Next time around, I’m gonna raise birds!”

I’m never quite sure what to say, so I don’t blog very often. I love reading other people’s blogs, but I’m never sure what to write on my own. Just a few minutes ago I read one that said if you don’t know what to say, just write down what you ate today…. etc. My first thought was, well who wants to read that? Then I thought maybe that’s not what it’s about. Could it be me I’m writing for? Does it matter if anyone else reads it? What about it, does anyone else have a problem blogging? It seems some buddies blog a lot, does it help them in staying on track or are they trying to help someone else? Sometimes I feel like it’s almost presumptuous to think I have something so important to pass on that it will motivate other buddies. Is is better to just use blogging as a food journal and a place to vent? I just don’t know. See, once I start typing I have no trouble going on and on, I just don’t know that it’s doing anyone any good. This blog, for instance, just seems to be a whole lot of words not really saying anything and I just keep running on like I’m really imparting some great wisdom to all of you. It isn’t really entertaining, like Sam’s blogs. Pure gold there! But I’m doing what I was told to do, blog even if I have nothing to say. Well, now I’ve hit rock bottom, I don’t have anything left to say about nothing. Now I’m really confusing myself. I think I’d better stop here before I get entirely confused and forget what it was I was not really blogging about anyway!